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Losing myself..

I feel like I'm losing everything I've ever had.
Chelsea got kicked out, I hardly see my aunt, the person who saved my life, my eldest sister is moving out in may, and my mom has changed into this crazed, psycho bitch.
My grandpa died, two and a half months ago, and the event through me into a deep depression, one I've never known before.

I do not have access to a counselour or a therapist, and I'm so sick of people telling me I need help.
I'm aware of this, stop being rude.

I've been shedding weight pretty fast, I've dropped 30 pounds in the last two months. I guess that doesnt seem like much, but it feels like alot.
I've been under a lot of stress too, and have recently, (for the most part) quit gaia. Too much drama. I love all the friends I've made from there, I just cant deal with it. Too much to handle.

I have met someone that I have really taken a liking to, and would like to date.
But I'm really hesitant. I have so much baggage, and I dont want to weigh him down at such a crucial and stressful time in his life. I want him to fall in love with me as I have with him, but I'm afraid I'll annoy him. ))':

Anyways, I have to go, my mom's gonna be home soon and reading over my shoulder.

Baby, you're going crazy.

Crazy? No, No I'm not.
Am I losing my mind? Yes. Thats a good word for it.

I keep fumbling my words, tripping over my feet and loosing any ideas that I have. I'm becoming less and less of an individual and falling into the social normal.
Everything is becoming so oblique and plain, and Im loosing any faith in a happy life.
Every which way I look ends up as a dead end. My mind runs circles in my head, I'll think of soemthing, and find out its been done before.

Part of me likes finally fitting in. I was a social outcast for so long. I was never the right size, the prettiest, the most outgoing. I was shy and awkward.
I knew what wanting to die and disapear was like at the age of 8.
I knew it at the age of 12. I knew it at 14. I knew it at 16. And now that I'm 17, I'm just starting to forget it.


Anyways, enough ranting. )):

Oh, and just an update:
My grandfather passed away the night of December Thirteenth, 2009, the day after he turned seventyfive.
The world became a worse place because of it.

dont know whats going on anymore. I need some sense of sincerity in my life. It seems like everytime I turn around, I'm hurt and I cant get back to the way I am supposed to be.
I am constantly secondguessing every step I take, glancing over my shoulder as if I was anticipating someone stabbing a knife into my back, cutting down, deeper than the blade should ever have reached in the first place.
I only find a tad bit of solace in my writing, regardless of the fact that what I write isnt well written at all. Its just... puke on paper. All disoriented, and ungraceful.
I am really grateful that my sister and I are getting closer again, I wouldnt give it up for the world. I feel as if I could trust her with everything. As if I was five years old, and I had given her my most prized possession. I dont know why, but it just has.

I ordered my phone, twice, and it turns out I got bad advice when I ordered the first phone, because it wasnt an equipment problem, but rather a defective sim card.
Fcuk meeeee. I am finally off the phone with the representative for at&t, I was put on hold numerous times, and the blaring elevator music has given me a fucking headache.

GAHHH

I am going to go. I miss my friends and my family.

Meh

How can I say I love you

When words are never enough?

How can I stay strong for you

When life gets goin' tough?

How could I have fooled you

Into believing I'm so strong

When inside all there is

is everything going wrong?

How can I tell you how much I care

without everything going up in smoke

Without a tear running down my cheek

One for every word I spoke.

Spice girl wannabees. Haha. This is the seks.

Lost.

Every which way I look is a dead end.
I have been enslaved, not a stranger nor a friend.
My heart is in pieces, strewn about the floor.
There is no window nor no light, behind this locked door.
My mind has forsaken me, my body has lied.
My heart is all that's left, Though I feel its ready to die.
My tears are the remembrance of what was once whole,
My foot steps in the sand showed I had once known.